Amanda’s Letters – June 3, 2025

June 3, 2025

I’ve been contemplating what to write for a couple of days now, and I decided to just share the truth.

For me, the last few weeks have been as close to hell as I hope to come.  (For more reasons than the topic of this letter, but I’m zeroing in on being tabletless in a technological society!)

I recently went five weeks without a tablet.  My tablet embarrassingly plays a massive part in keeping my mental health in check.  It is how I watch movies, send emails, view my pictures, and listen to music.  Music has always been my peace of mind.  I was pretty down without music, a way to escape, for five weeks in here.  Then I got a tablet, but the headphone jack was broken.  So, I put another request in.  Thankfully, I got another tablet within a week of that.

I’ve had to download everything (twice, lol.) manually, including music, photos, apps, games, and messages.  Downloading messages consists of reading every single one (again, twice).  Rereading every single message I have received since being incarcerated.  It took FOREVER (hours, days).  Secondly, it sent me through a lot of emotions.  In some ways, it was like reliving the last two and a half years all over again…..(twice.)  Some were good emotions, like the beauty of seeing my relationship with Luke bloom naturally and organically.  Some feelings were heartbreaking, like being reminded how much my dad struggled at the beginning of this journey.  And reading my mom’s messages about her inability to enter my room.  (FYI, she still has not gone into my room to this day.)

Rereading some of these messages brought such raw, undealt emotions, such as the messages I have from a friend who has now passed away.  Some were from friends who have simply moved on and don’t reach out anymore.  Rereading 15,000 messages brought on such a devastating, profound amount of loss. 

In my time incarcerated, I have grown so much, and I take pride in maintaining (for the most part) very level emotions.  I don’t allow myself to get too high or too low emotionally.  I don’t get angry.  I don’t get depressed.  I don’t get overjoyed.  I stay flatlined.  It’s how I survive.  The less emotional turmoil, the better.  (My therapist Matt told me before coming to prison that my severe disassociation disorder would be a huge blessing when it came to my prison sentence, and I have mastered that at this point.)

But the last couple of weeks, BOYYYYYY, have been rough.  I love rollercoasters, but I want off of this one!  I have literally sat back and watched (felt) my emotional state rapidly fluctuating between despair, sadness, agony, pain, irritability, irrational thinking, anger, and anxiety, like on a constant loop.  I am EXHAUSTED!

I write this not for pity but to show a side I don’t often show anyone.  This journey is in no way, shape, or form glorified.  As a reminder, be true to your word.  But also be kind.  You never know when someone will need, or have, to reread a message you sent them.  In a world that now revolves around technology and social media, messages can often create emotions as intense and real as in-person conversations.  We are all struggling through something right now.  Be kind to each other.  Tell your friends and family you love them.  Seriously, text them right now, saying, hey, I love you.

You never know who needs to hear it.  If you’re reading this right now, I love you.  You matter.  Your life is worth living, even when it’s hard.  

By the way, prison sucks.